My Dad, Vietnam, and Veterans

November 28, 2008 at 8:44 pm (Thoughts) (, , , , )

cal1207-053

This is a photo of my dad. His name is John. This photo was taken when my parents visited me in California last December.

My dad died on November 19. He was 66 years old.

My dad died unexpectedly, from complications related to pneumonia. He had been in the hospital for about a month.

We have a small family, and we decided not have a formal funeral. But, I want to tell the story of his life, and the story of his death, as a way of processing and dealing with it. Our culture has a way of denying death, and we often don’t talk openly with friends and acquaintances about what is happening with us or our families or our lives. I’ve always been a very open person, and I want to start with a story about my dad and his service in Vietnam.

* * *

Although my dad and I got along very well – we talked once or twice a week on the phone – we did not see eye-to-eye on almost anything political. He supported McCain in the election (and voted by absentee ballot with my mom from the hospital), I supported Obama.  When I supported Army Lt. Ehren Watada‘s refusal to fight in Iraq, we talked about it and agreed to disagree. I opposed the war, he thought we had done the right thing. He opposed a minimum wage increase, but supported gay marriage.

reflectionsMy dad was a Vietnam Vet, and it was an important part of his identity. In my parent’s family room is a framed print of the painting of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial pictured to the left, by Lee Teter, and he was a lifetime member of Vietnam Veterans of America. He served two combat tours in Vietnam while in the Navy and was a Chief Petty Officer when he left, a senior non-commissioned officer. Despite this being really important to him, we never talked about his experiences. Even when I talked with him last in the hospital, to entertain us, I was asking him questions about his family (he’s the youngest of seven children). After we had been talking for a while, he asked if I wanted to hear about Vietnam, and then said no, we shouldn’t talk about that. So I don’t know a lot of details about what happened to him there. All I really know is that he left the Navy because he and my mom didn’t want to be apart so much, and because military pay was too low for him to support his family–we received food stamps and other aid while he was enlisted. Which also meant that he left the military without savings or a retirement or pension plan.

This last week, I’ve been helping my mom organize his office and deal with all of his computer stuff. I found a file on his computer called “Anger,” and it was an essay he had written about how much he had struggled with his career after leaving the military, and how much he resented working for bosses who had gotten ahead in their careers while he was serving in Vietnam. He writes, “The ultimate insult being that by the time it was over, they had their college degrees and they had a lock on the job market,” and later, he talks about always working for someone  “who got there first because they hid in college, Canada, or paper reserve and National Guard units.” It made me sad to think about how he had struggled throughout his life, but even more so, it makes me sad because I know that the situation has not changed. Aside from the highly publicized struggle by wounded vets to receive adequate care, the G.I. Bill – the government program to send vets to college – has failed many, and the skills enlistees gain in the service aren’t preparing them for the job market when they return to civilian life. Will they be doomed to the same struggle as my dad? Has nothing changed in 30 years? Beyond the conservative/liberal “support our troops” rhetoric, is anyone on any side of the aisle really doing much to care for them when they are home? I think that the closest thing I have seen is a bold and radical call from Lt. Watada for the anti-war movement to step up and put their money where their mouth is by supporting the families of war resisters financially. Has this been happening? Not as much as it should be. If you oppose the war and support our soldiers, I challenge you to give generously to organizations like Courage to Resist and Iraq Veterans Against the War.

* * *

There is a lot more to say about my dad, but I’m not ready just yet.

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14 Comments

  1. brian said,

    I’m glad you’re writing, reflecting, and sharing.

  2. fawngonemad said,

    jen, i’m so sorry for your loss. i’m very glad to see you writing about it here — you’re absolutely right that our culture is ill-equipped to talk about and process death in an open, honest, productive way. the more we can open conversations, the better off we’ll all be.

    my dad was also in the navy during vietnam, and we never talked about it. i actually didn’t even know how much his military service was part of his identity until he was nearing the end of his life, and, like you, it makes me sad because after his service was over, he continued to struggle (for jobs, for money) the rest of his life, always internalizing it and feeling guilty that he couldn’t provide more for his family instead of taking a critical look at the system we’re living in.

    thanks for opening the conversation and sharing your thoughts. looking forward to more, when you’re ready.

  3. Joshua Kahn Russell said,

    Thanks for sharing this Jen.

  4. andrej said,

    Dear Jen,

    I’m so sorry about the loss of your dad. thanks for sharing this….

  5. Richard Lai said,

    My condolences for you.

  6. Lucas Mulder said,

    Hi Jen,

    Lucas here, from Guatemala. Sorry to hear about your Dad, and I appreciate the paths you’ve chosen to publicly remember/honour him here. Love (and solidarity for that matter) rarely needs to see eye-to-eye.

    All good things,
    Lucas

  7. Jen Angel said,

    Thanks for the comments everyone – It has been a crazy couple of weeks. I hope to post more soon.

    xo

  8. Craig Stuntz said,

    Wow. I stumbled onto your blog a couple months ago, and it’s been good to hear your voice again.

    I remember talking with you in Detroit, some 15 years ago, about how we both had very good relationships with our parents, which wasn’t true for many of our mutual friends. So I’m especially saddened to see this news, and touched by your remembrance of your dad. I remember reading that your dad helped you copy Fucktooth, and thinking that perhaps a lot of people’s parents wouldn’t be involved with such a production; it always seemed kind of charming that he helped you out with that. All the more so, now, since it’s clear that he disagreed with most/all of the politics.

    I feel very deep empathy for you; I’ve lost some members of my (not immediate) family with whom I shared a very close personal love, and very strong political (and religious) disagreements, in the last few years. I am glad that politics did not stop me from having close relationships with these members of my family, which I still treasure, even after their deaths.

    Thank you for posting this tribute. I imagine that none of this is easy, but you’re right that it’s not really common to talk about death, so your words are appreciated.

  9. Mickey Z. said,

    Hey Jen…

    Just wanted to say hi and offer my condolences. Grief is an unpredictable ride so I thought I’d share some of what I wrote earlier this year when my Mom died:
    http://www.mickeyz.net/news/mickeyz/good_grief

    As Shakespeare sez: “Give sorrow words.”

    In empathy and solidarity…

    x0x0

    Mickey Z.

  10. bobbi fischer said,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. I know your family is important to you, and how much you’ll miss him.

    When your dad was fighting in Vietnam, I was protesting the war. My biggest regret is that priviledged college kids like me collapsed the illegallity of the war with the men who were fighting it instead of giving them my support.

  11. In honor of my Dad, two poems. « Aid & Abet said,

    […] pm (Personal) (Crossing the Bar, Dad, Death, High Flight, Magee, Poetry, Tennyson) In honor of my dad’s birthday today, two poems that he loved. Crossing the Bar • Alfred Lord […]

  12. On Anniversaries « Aid & Abet said,

    […] (anniversaries, Dad, Death) Thursday was the anniversary of my Dad’s death. Last year, I wrote a post about it a few weeks after he died and always intended to write more, and though I’m not quite sure I’m ready, I […]

  13. Will Munro, 1975-2010 « Aid & Abet said,

    […] I find it very difficult to use euphemisms for death like “passed away,” and since my dad died in 2008, I have thought about this particular phrase a lot. I know that people struggle with words, and I […]

  14. Kenny mowat said,

    I served 24 years in the British army…it’s sad to see these issues continually repeating themselves on a global scale whilst the political catalysts enjoy a life of freedom regardless.

    REspect

    Kenny

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